.

Well there you go. You went on and on about how excited you were to see Looper. But it looks like you were too late. TIFF cares not for your petty excuses. You missed the screening and it’s all your fault, you insufferable jackass.

Never fear though, at TFS, we’re here for you and have come up with a list of pastimes to fill the void while you wait for your mom/father/spouse/date/sibling/dog to come home from work. Firstly, perhaps you’d like to take in another show. TIFF screens 350 films a year after all, maybe you’d like to see one that isn’t playing at the Scotiabank Cinema for a somewhat more affordable price a few days later?

No? Thankfully, there’s more to do an a Tuesday at 11:25am than sulk outside of TIFF Bell Lightbox. Toronto is a major metropolitan oasis. Did you know we have at least 56 McDonald’s locations in the city? Why that’s almost 57! Why not spend a day eating a Big Mac in every one.

1) ATTEMPT TO OUTDO MORGAN SPURLOCK IN A SINGLE DAY

Now, let’s not go nuts. There are certain ramifications to consider when it comes to buying possibly-almost 64 Big Mac burgers. The chief concern is quite obvious: this will be terribly expensive. Unless you’ve thought ahead and purchased a Metropass already, a TTC day pass will cost you $10. That’s in addition to the cost of nearly-perhaps 79 Big Macs, which is math I have not taken the time to calculate. Which brings us to our second entry on our To-Do list:

2)  PANHANDLE AT HOLT RENFREW

Holt Renfrew is renowned as a high-end Canadian department store chain, and with a store situated at the heart of Yorkville, there is no doubt that there’s a high volume of wealthy clientele to complain to security about you (unless you’re good enough.) Why not beg everyone in the store for change? They need not know your mission – which has most likely now changed to just how much it will cost for you to leave. Security is pretty top notch in this area, so you will need a good escape zone, lest you wish for Monsieur Holtypant Esq III to be giving you a right talking to.

3)  BEFRIEND STAFF AT THE BRASS RAIL

The Brass Rail is a building of which I have not seen the interior. To my understanding, goods and services are exchanged for monetary gain. This is wholesome sounding. Pursuing security staff will likely not chase you into another establishment – an unspoken rule of mutual respect I’m sure exists between Holt Renfrew and the Brass Rail – now is your chance to make new friends. Entertain them with the story of your plight, perhaps whilst flexing upon your bicep. Impress your new allies by unvailing your Pee-Wee and Fred that Willard.

4)  MASTURBATE IN PUBLIC

It appears you got a little carried away and now find yourself in an alley of some sort. Perhaps again fearful for your safety, why not take the time to better yourself and do something you’ve never done before.

5)  TRY METH

Not bad. Not great, but, you know, you’d give it like a B+ or somethin… WHA!

6) ATTEMPT TO REENTER THE BRASS RAIL

You do not succeed.

7) ATTEMPT TO REENTER HOLT RENFREW – AS A CUSTOMER

It is at times like these when we discover who we really are. You realized that, before, what you perceived to be heavy was just an illusion and guards can be tossed like paper airplanes. Once you are brought back to sobriety and are allowed leave from the prison system, it would be a good idea to contact loved ones with this newfound vision of self.

8) END YOUR LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP  

That is always rough, bro. You could probably use a pick-me-up and take your mind off of that.

9)  RENT LOOPER  

All former Blockbuster locations are now selling dog food. Any Rogers retail outlets remaining deal only in long-term cell phone contracts specializing in High-Stress, Low-Reward plans.

10)  RESUME METH USE

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Daniel Janvier

Daniel is a graduate of the University of Guelph’s theatre studies program. Having performed Shakespeare in drag once, Daniel attempts to sound unique and mysteriously cool when speaking with woman in bars. He then proceeds to take over the dance floor, performing a rendition of Thom Yorke’s dancing in Radiohead’s Lotus Flower video as performed by a geriatric. Who is suffering. A lot apparently. He is also allergic to cats, the villainous harbingers of apocalypse and the odour of kitty litter – which is a stupid name for a toilet.

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