WIth the imminent release of Gangster Squad, you can guarantee the media will be swarmed with justifications for claiming Ryan Gosling as the bearer of the title “Coolest Person of the Year” (it’s a real thing, and, yes, he won it last year). But writing an article singing the man’s praises would simply be too easy for us hard-hitting journalists here at Grolsch Film Works. Because the real question on everyone’s minds is obviously, just how can he be that perfect? There must be something that isn’t cool about the man. He can’t just be a totally flawless human being? Right…?
So, join us as we go on a journey of epic proportions to seek 5 whole things which aren’t cool about Ryan Gosling. Because nothing is impossible.
1. He was a cocky child.
OK, so finding our first fault with Gosling was actually pretty easy. I’m going to make a personal, potentially damning admission here: I kind of hate child Gosling. He possesses what I deem to be an inappropriate level of “swag” for a child, and that’s just unbearingly annoying if you have to deal with it for longer than a couple of seconds. Sure, maybe Gosling could defend himself and claim it was the Mouse that made him wear over-sized pyjamas and croon to the lay-dies like this. But, the above interview is 100% Gosling; delivering gems like this with total over-confidence:
“I like hockey ’cause, like it’s really cool ’cause you can, like do all this stuff and put it in the net and stuff like that and I love that about hockey.”
Take that goddamn backwards cap off your head and develop a sense of personal shame like the rest of us.
2. Justin Bieber is his 11th cousin once removed.
Which makes him uncool by association. On a side note, Bieber is apparently also related to Avril Lavigne and Celine Dion, according to Ancestry.co.uk. Which makes Canada seem like a very, very small place.
3. He tried to give himself a tattoo and it sucks.
Not content with getting a real, trained professional to do it, Gosling decided to tattoo himself in what appears to be a randomly chosen spot slightly above his left elbow. Apparently it’s meant to be a monster hand, but unsurprisingly for an amateur attempt at self-tattooing, it looks more like a sad, hairy tree stump. I mean, it’s not as bad as Zac Efron’s YOLO tattoo (which made me cry a tear of sadness for the human race), but it’s still pretty stupid-looking. This is definitely the kind of misguided crap child Gosling would have pulled off.
4. He was Young Hercules.
Way to ruin the great legacy of Kevin Sorbo and Hercules: Legendary Journeys . What’s worse in this clip: the terrible dialogue and acting or Ryan’s mega tan and floppy blonde hair?
5. Little girls laugh at him when he tries to do ballet.
Ryan once admitted that he started taking beginner ballet classes for no other reason than his own personal pleasure, but it turned out he was really bad at it:
“I’m so unflexible that they have to bring out a special barre when we do the barre work part of the class. It’s a tiny barre and it goes in the middle of the class and I can barely get my leg on it and then there are two 7-year-old girls who sit next to me and do the barre work and they just look at me like they hate me, like I’m cheapening the whole thing by being there. They’re like, ‘You’re old, you’re not good, and I’ve seen you in movies and it’s weird that you’re here’.”
I’m assuming the whole thing went down pretty much exactly like this scene from Step Up with Channing Tatum. See how I’m mentioning Channing Tatum in an article about Ryan Gosling? I thought I’d slip in a little snide dig at his losing out on People’s ‘Sexiest Man of the Year’ to The Chan. This doesn’t count as a separate fault though, as it only went down that way because Ryan didn’t make a movie where he ripped his clothes off and thrust his crotch in women’s faces.
So there we go. We actually made it. Those are the five facts – and the only five facts – about Ryan Gosling that aren’t cool. Seriously, we challenge you right here and now to find out something else that’s not cool about him. The man is as perfect as Nina Sayer’s ballet skills and he doesn’t even have to go crazy and die in the process.
Follow Clarisse on Twitter: @clarisselou