Select Page

At the risk of losing friends, sounding like an internet troll, and having to go into the witness protection program, I need to declare that I hate Frozen. When I first saw it in theatres, I feigned slight amusement because I really didn’t think it would turn into this monstrous obsession for so many people. I saw it, said “meh,” and I moved on with my life.

Then it won an Oscar. Parents were practically knifing each other for merchandise, it became the sixth top grossing film of all time, and then Tokyo Disney Resort started serving Frozen-themed drinks. That’s when feigning amusement turned into sincere hatred, for me at least. Besides the fact that I’ve been waiting to quote my favourite person on Twitter for a very long time, I think @molly_kats said it best:

Tweet

 

 

As an aside, spoilers lie ahead. As another aside, I am about to compare Frozen with some other Disney movies. I know that movies are of their own entity and should be treated as such. However, we need a walk down memory lane because Frozen is not the best Disney movie since The Lion King, let alone the best Disney movie of all-time.

There’s no real villain.

Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel) in Frozen

Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel) in Frozen

Sure, you’ve got Hans but he certainly isn’t all that sinister. I guess you could argue that the “cold,” Elsa’s “power” is a villain. But again, it’s not that sinister. I want PURE EVIL — like Ursula or Jafar or Scar or Cruella. Those characters are fun to watch and always have great musical numbers. Frozen was straight up made for wussies. Oh, you princesses had to fight SNOW AND ICE? Pfft, Canadians do that six months out of the year. When you have a bitter, hostile witch to contend with or a homicidal uncle, then we can talk about problems.

Olaf is not funny.

Olaf (Josh Gad) in Frozen

Olaf (Josh Gad) in Frozen

Is it just me, or have Disney sidekicks gotten terrible lately? Olaf is a prime example. Sidekicks like Zazu and Mushu offer perfect comedic relief — they offer enough slapstick for the kids and enough quippy banter for the adults. Even the raccoon and hummingbird in Pocahontas are more entertaining than Olaf and they don’t even talk! Olaf is an annoying, goofy buffoon. He was clearly added in to please small children, which is fine—kids are entitled to their laughs—but I am a grown up and I hate Olaf. I want to pour boiling water on him.

It’s so predictable.

Frozen

Let me just say, I’m not particularly good at predicting a movie’s ending. I don’t even try to predict endings. I am M. Night Shyamalan’s perfect audience. But Frozen, COME ON. Within ten minutes, I was yelling in my head “ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOU WON’T FREEZE EVERYTHING!!!” This is the oldest trope in the book! The worst is when a solution is obvious, but everyone acts like it is a HUGE mystery. I’m sorry, but the characters did not need the entire movie to crack this code. Yeah, yeah, we wouldn’t have a movie if they solved the problem in half a minute… but maybe write a better story to begin with.

It’s not the feminist film of the century.

Hans (Santino Fontana) and Anna (Kristen Bell) in Frozen

Hans (Santino Fontana) and Anna (Kristen Bell) in Frozen

Princess Anna is locked up for YEARS. She is finally free, and she starts prancing around and singing about wanting to find true love. ONE SECOND HERE. If you’re stuck in a castle for most of your life, is that really your first thought? It certainly wouldn’t be mine. What about friends, or books, or nature?! Nope, I want a boyfriend. Okay, there’s that ONE self-aware joke about wanting to marry someone you just met. But that doesn’t really negate an entire song about the opposite. Frozen is supposed to be about sisterhood, but for the most part, it is about the budding love story between Anna and Kristoff. I know the ending isn’t about that, but since when does the last three minutes of a movie erase everything before it? Why is Kristoff even ON this journey with Anna to help Elsa? He could totally disappear from the movie, and it would be the SAME movie. Yet, he’s there. Now I know that other Disney movies like Mulan, Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast aren’t shining examples of feminist films either – but at least sisters were doing it for themselves in those cartoons.

All of that being said, I will give Frozen credit for one of the best Oscar moments ever. So, to end on a positive note, I give you John Travolta.